It is well known that around 50% of all marriages fail, with figures significantly higher than this in conservative countries like Russia and Hungary.
In addition, infidelity is on the rise, with the dating apps facilitating the process of people hooking up. A recent survey by the Italian site incontri-extraconiugali.com found that 45% of men and 22% of women admitted to having cheated on their current partner.
Furthermore, in 2015 Stanford’s Michael Rosenfeld found that 70% of divorces were initiated women in a study of 2000 couples. So while on the surface it may often appear that women are generally ‘pro’ marriage, in reality this is not the case.
With all of this in mind, it is reasonable to at least express some doubt about the efficacy of marriage (and, by extension, monogamy) as a workable life strategy.
For beyond (or behind) these figures is a truth we all know but many would rather not admit to: that men crave sexual variety, and don’t really ‘want’ monogamy, other than to try to ensure their female partner doesn’t fuck other guys.
While seeking to control their partner’s behaviour through monogamy, most guys—if completely honest—would admit that if they could get away with fucking someone else behind her back then they would certainly do so.
In spite of all of this, there are persistent voices on both the left and right who argue that marriage and monogamy are the only option for men—and certainly the only ‘right’ option.
While doing so, they denigrate the playboy bachelor lifestyle, claiming that it is wrong, degenerate, immature, irresponsible and so on
Of course, ‘rightness’ is a value judgement that exists only in the mind of whoever is arguing for it. And marriage and monogamy are certainly not the only workable lifestyle choices available.
That being the case, here are 5 questions to ask yourself next time you see someone pushing a pro marriage and monogamy narrative.
1. Are they seeking to justify / defend their own lifestyle choices?
Of course, it will come as no surprise that most people pushing monogamy and marriage are themselves in monogamous relationships, or married.
Now, it doesn’t take a trained psychologist to work out that these people have a vested interest the M&M narrative.
For one thing, human beings hate cognitive dissonance: that is, once we have committed to a course of action—for whatever reason—we have a natural tendency to defend it, even when compelling evidence emerges suggesting it may not have been a great idea after all*.
(*Ahem, Brexit).
The other thing is that online influencers and content creators don’t live in a bubble—and in most cases their partners know all about their work.
And that being the case, it’s really hard for them to talk about the downsides of monogamy and marriage. Because, well, to decry or bring into doubt the very foundations of your relationship with a significant other is a douchebag move. And most people simply aren’t going to do it.
Therefore, the message is inevitably always going to be ‘do what I did—it’s AWESOME’, rather than anything more nuanced.
2. If they are pushing marriage & monogamy, how long have they been married for?
You should also establish how long the person pushing the marriage agenda has been married for.
(If they are not married, then at the very least you should ask why. And you should question why they are recommending a course of action they haven’t even embarked on themselves.)
Assuming they are out there in the trenches, though, then you want to get a sense of how long that’s been so. And it’s 3 years or less then you should take anything they have to say with a very large pinch of salt.
The reason? Because as we all know, the first three years of any relationship are generally great.
The sex is good, it’s all new and exciting, you’re getting on well, and everything’s groovy.
This is the honeymoon period, or, as the blogger Blackdragon characterises it, NRE (new relationship energy).
And things look very different at the 3 year point than they do at the 7 year point . . . or the 10 year, 15 year or 20 year point.
So if someone who’s only been married for a few years is sagely telling you why you should do exactly the same thing then pause for a moment and ask yourself this: how is their marriage going to look at the 7, 10, 15 or 20 year point?
This is, by the way, why it’s often better to seek advice from older people. The guy in his sixties who’s been through two failed marriages knows what he’s talking about in a way the 30 year old who got married two years ago doesn’t.
3. Do they have a professional interest in monogamy & marriage?
An uncomfortable truth—but a truth nonetheless—is that everyone has bills to pay, and as such has a commercial agenda of some kind.
And if you offer marriage or relationship counselling then, on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to countenance the idea that monogamy and marriage are inherently flawed?
I’d put that figure pretty close to zero.
Now of course, to be fully transparent, I too have a commercial agenda. After all, I sell books, courses and game coaching. So I want you to read and like my stuff. I want you to buy my products.
BUT, two points.
First, I am not saying anyone should or should not get married.
To be honest, I don’t give a damn what you do.
If you are happy, and you’re not hurting anyone, then go for it.
I am essentially a libertarian with a ‘live and let live’ attitude—and that separates me from the do-gooder trad con guys who seem to be on a moral crusade to tell other men what to think and do
Second, one thing I am not is a relationship advisor—that is, I can teach you how to meet woman, and how to have mini-relationships, concurrent relationships and so on.
But I do not sell any kind of service where I help you to repair your existing relationship, and nor would I ever do so.
Why? Because such a service does not align with my worldview.
But if your profits rely on helping other people to maintain or improve their relationships than I would argue it is unlikely you will concede the validity in any anti-marriage philosophy.
4. Are they virtue signalling to build an audience?
Rightists talk a lot about leftists ‘virtue signalling’ (i.e. saying things publicly to communicate their virtuousness to others).
But the truth is that both sides do it—all the bloody time.
Let’s face it: certain things play better on social media than others.
What tends to play well are big, bold statements that support existing prejudices and don’t get into the nuance.
What plays less well are seemingly more ‘negative’ messages that are nevertheless honest, and which, even if they don’t sugarcoat things, point to a new way forward.
In other words, you get a load more brownie points for posting ‘Love your woman, give her children and work yourself to death to support your family’—even though a great deal of unhappiness, and even suicide, could could come about as a result.
In the end, most people are more concerned with building their profile than they are with scrupulous honesty.
Which is something to bear in mind whenever you read this kind of messaging.
5. Are they merely parroting unexamined societal programming?
Of course, most people are not very intelligent. And most people don’t question things they are told rigorously.
Instead, they repeat what they’ve heard elsewhere, assuming them to be true simply because ‘everyone says it’.
‘Everyone’ says marriage and settling down are a ‘good thing’? Even though it’s a model that may have worked (imperfectly) in 1950, but it clearly not fit for purpose in 2018 /19?
OK then. Marriage and monogamy it is—and to hell with what anyone else says. They must be wrong, because . . . well, just because, OK?
Next time you see someone extolling the benefits of marriage and monogamy, and failing to acknowledge the innate structural problems in each, then ask yourself how deeply they’ve thought about what they are saying. And how rigorously they have interrogated the issues.
The bottom line, as I have said, is that if you have seriously considered the issues and you want to go down the marriage and monogamy route then great: it’s your life, after all.
However, you should certainly not be browbeaten into doing so by people who have their own agenda and likely know nothing of your individual circumstances.
You must proceed with open eyes.
Especially when there is a workable alternative: simply staying single, dating prolifically, travelling and generally living a great life.
And you can find out all about how to just that in my bundle of 8 books on game and dating, The Renegade Playbook. It’s currently on sale, reduced from $69 to $35—get it here now before the price shoots back up.
To read more about modern dating for me go here.
