The other day a buddy of mine who I’ve not seen for ages told me a terrible story.
This guy had been married for 7 years. His wife—who I had met briefly—was what many would regard a ‘high-quality woman™’: well-educated, intelligent, having a good job, and, most importantly, a spiritual (if not religious) disposition.
After 7 years, she travelled to India in order to train to be a yoga teacher.
The day she left the UK through the departure gates at Heathrow Airport was the last time my friend ever saw his wife.
While on the yoga retreat she Skyped him to inform him that she had decided that she wanted to ‘find herself’, and that she was unable to do so within the confines of a traditional marriage.
Apparently the Skype connection was poor, so my friend was not even able to see his wife while she made this pronouncement.
After that, they exchanged emails, but she would frequently fail to respond to my friend’s communications for weeks at a time, replying belatedly with things like ‘Sorry for the lateness of this, I was in New York / Buenos Aires / Ibiza etc.‘
She returned to the UK to visit friends and relatives three months later. My friend arranged to meet her to discuss practicalities and, I suppose, to get some sort of ‘closure’ on the thing. He spent time preparing himself emotionally for the meeting, and organising what he wanted to say.
When the allotted day came around, he arrived at the apartment where they were to meet 20 minutes early. There was no sign of his wife. He waited for an hour. Still no sign. Finally, she sent him a message:
‘Sorry I’m late—I totally forgot! I can get there in an hour or so . . . ‘
Needless to say, my friend left and refused to see her. They later had a telephone conversation, but they have never met up in person again since the split.
Needless to say stories like this do little to convince me that marriage, as some would have me believe, is a utopia if only you screen properly and find ‘the right person’.
The problem with this idea, as I have always said, is that ‘screening’ is probably impossible in any practical sense.
Why? Just because someone ticks off certain criteria in years 1, 2 and 3 doesn’t mean that they will continue to do so in year 7. Or, god forbid, year 25.
New Relationship Energy
Another thing is that, as the writer Blackdragon reminds us, in the early years of a new relationship you are in what he calls ‘NRE’, or ‘new relationship energy‘:
NRE – New Relationship Energy. The temporary, short-lasting, overwhelming feeling of joy one experiences when first dating a new person.
The point being that in the early days of being with someone NRE will inevitably cloud your judgement of them, making the ‘vetting’ process all the more difficult.
In addition, as we know, people tend to be on their best behaviour when they first get together. It is only later on—often when it’s too late—that the cracks begin to appear.
What To Do?
All of that being the case, many men are left wondering what to do. If not marriage, then what? Bachelorhood? But how will that look in the long term? How will I get female affection? How will I continue to have sex?
Will I be a lonely old man™?
In fact, right now we are in a golden age for bachelors. As a result of technology combined with a political and social backdrop that (for the most part) prizes individualism (whatever you may think of that) the single guy can live a free life and enjoy himself immensely like never before. It’s just a matter of getting a few basic principles down.
Avoid Marriage: The Art of Mini-Relationships
What the dedicated bachelor needs to do above all else is to master the art of the ‘mini-relationship’.
The definition of a ‘mini-relationship’ here is one that lasts between a few weeks and a year at most. The relationship can be affectionate—romantic even—as well as sexual, but it is not ‘committed’ in any regular sense. By that I mean that you avoid any sort of conversation where the boundaries of the relationship are codified and agreed.
Here are the 5 rules of mini-relationships that you must follow if you want to make this model work, avoid marriage and have a great sex life instead.
1.Have Sex Regularly
This comes first because sex is important, yes—but more than that, because if you are not having it then whatever you’ve got going on does not meet the requirements of a mini-relationship.
I emphasise this to make it clear that what I’m NOT talking about here are one-sided, unrequited love-type situations.
Nor do I include ‘close emotional friendships’ with girls that may or may not lead somewhere in the future [SPOILER: they will lead nowhere].
No. The whole point of a mini-relationship is that this is one where you and the girl are meeting up regularly—once a week is ideal, twice a week OK—to have sex. This is the minimum baseline that you need to get to. Nothing else counts.
2. Avoid ‘The Conversation’
Once you are having sex regularly with a girl then you will want to keep this going for as long as possible while avoiding ‘the conversation’.
I’m sure pretty much everyone reading this knows what I mean by ‘the conversation’, but I’ll spell it out anyway. ‘The conversation’ happens when one of the people fucking starts a dialogue with the other to determine ‘what is happening here,’ or ‘where this thing is going.’
On men’s forums it has been said that women initiate these conversations most frequently to ‘lock down’ men. While there is some truth in this, the opposite is also possible. Guys, particularly those who are sleeping with women they think hot, or even ‘out of their league’, will often want to formalise things so that he doesn’t risk losing her to another guy.
Ironically this strategy is often counterproductive, but I postpone discussion of that for another article. All I need say here is resist: resist the temptation to initiate a conversation about making things ‘serious’ between you and her; and resist all attempts by her to start one.
Ignore, pretend you didn’t hear, change the subject, or be deliberately vague.
Whatever you do, just make sure you don’t have that conversation.
3. Don’t Talk About Anything Going On Outside of the Relationship
Following on from the above, there is something else you must avoid talking about—anything else going on outside of the relationship. By that I am specifically talking about anyone else you are sleeping with (more on that later) and anyone else that she might be sleeping with.
This is the part where guys inevitably get freaked out. ‘No way I’m letting my girl fuck other dudes‘ etc. Except she’s not ‘your girl’, remember? You never had the conversation. Nothing is confirmed. You are in a sexual grey area…but you are getting laid, which is the important thing.
A mini-relationship exists on a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ basis. It is a little romantic bubble which you and she inhabit, impervious to the outside world.
What happens the next night, when she is out with her friends, is quite frankly none of your business.
What you are aiming for is a kind of mutually-agreed denial, where nothing that happens outside of your world impinges on the temporary intimacy you find with one another within it.
And more than that, you shouldn’t care anyway.
I discuss why in the next point below.
4. Don’t Let It Get Too Couple-y
A mini-relationship is a delicate emotional balancing act, one that requires some experience to perfect.
Certainly, it is very different to a one-night stand, or a so-called ‘pump and dump’ scenario where the actors meet and have sex, never to see one another again.
It is also leagues away from a conventional boyfriend and girlfriend / engaged / married partnership as well, for the reasons we’ve already discussed.
But it is incorrect to imagine that a mini-relationship has no emotional context, or is not romantic. Quite the contrary. I’ve had mini-relationships with girls I’ve cared for deeply, even loved.
And I’ve had wonderful, magical dating experiences with these girls—going out for meals, going ice skating, visiting museums and fairs, even going abroad together.
But you need to strike a balance between doing these fun things and falling into the ‘boyfriend zone’ by default. You need to maintain just a little bit of emotional distance, to ensure that it doesn’t become too couple-y.
In the main, this comes down to distance, both emotional and physical.
There are players who advocate not even allowing girls to sleep over, to prevent the natural, chemical bonding process taking place.
I personally don’t think there’s any harm in sharing a bed, but just remember: if you’re seeing her three times a week then she is your girlfriend, no matter what has been discussed.
But if you keep your times together to a minimum—say, once a week—then there should be no problem.
5. Have Other ‘Interests’
And now we come to the controversial ‘spinning plates’ part. Yes, if you’re in a mini-relationship where you have not promised fidelity to the girl then you are within your rights to sleep with others girls, and in fact it can be beneficial for you to do so in order that you don’t become emotionally dependent on the first.
That said, you don’t have to do so—it’s entirely up to you.
But some kind of contact with other girls is advisable, even if it’s just a bit of flirtation here and there. It will remind you that there’s a whole wide world out there, and will help prevent you get oneitus over your mini-relationship.
Quick Sex
Of course, there will be people who scoff at this article, and say thing like ‘that’s OK when you’re in your twenties, but it’s not sustainable. And what about when you’re older and you want something more meaningful?’
I would contest this by saying that a mini-relationship can be hugely meaningful, and mini-relationships stand against the false narrative that players are only in it for quick and meaningless sex.
Quite the contrary.
And as far as sustainability goes, as long as you stay in shape and live in a decent, populous city, you will be fine for a very long time to come. I am in my mid-forties and still going strong with this model. And I know guys in their 50s and 60s who are doing the exact same thing.
You don’t have to surrender your freedom. You don’t have to get married. You can still enjoy female company and affection. It is possible. You just have to learn the ropes, like me and millions of other guys the world over have had to.
To find out more about why game is no longer dirty enough, go here.
Buy all 8 of my dating books in a bundle for $35 here.
