Dating For The 40+ Man

Below is an extract from my soon-to-be-released new book on game and dating for the 40+ guy….

 

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So you hit 40—congratulations. Or maybe you passed that particular milestone a few years ago. You reached a summit in life: up here the land looks different while remaining strangely the same.

What to do?

You still love women. You don’t want to throw in the towel just yet. You got into game, pickup, years ago, and it feels just a little bit . . . immature to you now. Maybe you’ve been married. Or in a long-term relationship with a girlfriend. Perhaps you’ve had a kid or two. Life has changed shape since your twenties. You have a serious job. You work many hours to earn decent money. People rely on you. You have responsibilities.

If you have the girlfriend, maybe you’re wondering whether you should leave her and give playing the field another shot.

If you’re married, then maybe you’re heading for divorce (if you haven’t got there already). Or perhaps you’re already there. In that instance you want to know what your options are with girls.

Alternatively, it could be that you have had a few relationships but remained a bachelor like I have, not having met anyone you’ve been inclined to marry, worried about the risks of marriage for men these days, or simply keen to spend as much of your sexual market equity as possible in the time you have available to you.

Whatever your scenario, you fear obstacles. Because the dating scene out there has changed radically. The means of meeting people are different. Back when you were at university it was a case of grabbing a beer and hitting on the nearest girl in the club. These days there are multiple dating apps, the likes of Twitter, Bumble and Happn. There are social media platforms: Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook and so on. Messaging services are new—WhatsApp to name but one. Remember when you had to pick up the phone and actually call a girl?

The cultural climate has changed radically too. If you were young in the UK in the 1990s then you will recall the rise of something that was called ‘lad culture’: basically a proliferation of magazines such as Loaded, FHM, Zoo, and bands like Oasis, Blur and others. It was a time when we all got high on cigarettes, alcohol and cocaine, when lads were lads and birds were birds.

Although a lot of that laddishness was intended as ironic at the time, these days it has all-but been swept away by a tide of political correctness and feminism. It would appear—from the mainstream media at least—that if you even open a door for a woman these days you risk being outed on Twitter as a vile, sexist pig.

Maybe you have been dating women all the way through these changes, as I have. In that case you will be aware actually, on the ground, things haven’t changed quite as much as one might fear. If so, you will no doubt be glad of a fellow-journeyman’s testimony. Another voice out there in the dark, whispering around the campfire, telling you how he’s doing it.

But if you’ve been out of the game for some time, as many men in their 40s have been, then all of this will naturally be intimidating and new to you.

To compound the problem, the women that you are primarily attracted to have not changed all that much since you were in college. You still pause online to look at pictures of the twenty-four year-old swimwear model because, well, she’s hot. Just because you are nearly twice her age and old enough to be her father doesn’t change that.

This makes you somewhat uncomfortable, since society and the culture tends to demonise men who date younger women, despite the fact that many girls like older guys, and biologically it is entirely natural for men to want to date women who are fertile, healthy and capable of bearing children. And, like it or not, that means young.

The good news, though, is that your taste palette for women has also widened. Now, girls all through their thirties look great to you too. In the past, the thought of dating a 35 year-old would perhaps not have appealed greatly (unless you are one of those guys into MILFS, which I never really have been). These days, increasingly, girls in their thirties and even early forties look great to you, along with the young, twentysomethings.

This is a huge benefit to the would-be seducer, since it means that his pool of options is significantly larger than it was when he was younger. For me personally, the pool of women I would date now is huge compared to how it was twenty years ago. In fact right now I am sleeping with a 22 year old girl and another who is 35. Both are sexy and fun, and I enjoy my time with them equally.

Nevertheless, this is an important issue to keep in mind, since the key issues men into game in their 40s face are not so much logistical as they are psychological. In other words, it is not that the techniques of ‘game’ itself change so much—attraction is still attraction whatever age the girl happens to be.

Rather it is the psychological and social constraints that a man in his forties feels that must be dealt with effectively if he is to be successful.

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