Something about my article yesterday troubled me. After I’d written and published it, and received some feedback, I found myself wondering if it wasn’t just a little too dark.
If so then I want to provide the antidote to that here, because if this site has one key mission it is to help everyone—myself included—to live a happy, useful, fulfilling life.
However to my mind there is a dichotomy at the centre of self-help and it is this: while positivity is absolutely essential both for success with women and in life generally, the truth is that some of the character traits of highly successful individuals are more negative than not.
The question, then, is how we can utilise some of these traits to improve our own life experience while not getting tied up with the sort of negativity that they might entail.
One issue, to my mind, is with the self-improvement industry itself, which seems to be almost solely populated by cheesy, ‘be all you can be’ Californian gym and green juice freaks. This approach grates, particularly on the more removed and ironical British sensibility. We all want to improve our lives, so there should be as many types of teachers as there are students.
A bigger problem, though, is that a lot of feel-good advice ignores the fact that positivity itself isn’t the full story as far as efficacy is concerned.
Yes, it is valuable to go out into the world feeling good about yourself. And yes, it is good to treat others well and honorably and fairly – most of the time.
I myself, as a result of my former addiction to alcohol and other substances, now work a daily programme that demands rigorous honesty and a willingness to look at my part in each interaction that I have.
This works very well for me, and most of the time I feel better about myself the better I treat others—and that includes the girls that I approach and date.
But—and there is a big but—the playing field is not even, since not everyone is playing by the same rules. In fact, most people are playing by a rule book that is instinctual and is mainly based on self-interest. And that is just regular people, never mind the psycopathic, Machiavellian narcissists that you will likely run into in business and romance alike.
How are we meant to deal with such people, and more importantly how are we meant to operate in a world where such characteristics are not merely feted but rewarded too?
It is my view that there has to be a middle way between turning the other cheek and being a complete asshole. I will refine what I mean by this in later articles as I work it through more fully for myself, but essentially the goal is to use dark triad characteristics selectively when they suit your purposes, without getting consumed by them.
The issue for most guys, and myself included at one point, is not that we are bastards but that we are too nice. And yet life proves again and again that ‘niceness’ is not merely ineffectual but a quality with the power to repulse others.
The important thing is for each of us to keep our own ambitions, needs and desires central, to rigorously identify these and pursue them relentlessly. Because guess what—that’s what everyone else is doing. I will not go out of my way to harm anyone and I will treat other pleasantly and with respect if they do the same to me.
However, If someone is then unreasonable in standing in the way of these objectives then I will have no scruples in acting in whatever Machiavellian way I see fit to defeat them.
I will also not hesistate to use such means to further my own interests in those areas—such as work and romance—where I judge it is likely that others are also using less than transparent methods.
My intention is not to be dishonest in achieving my ends, but rather to even up the playing field so I’m able to get my due in a world where those who operate by the book are frequently disadvantaged.
At the same time I recognise that there is a flaw in this approach, namely that one can become, if one is not careful, the kind who is perpetually on the offensive, labouring under the slightly paranoid assumption that ‘the rest of them are all doing it so why shouldn’t I?’
I don’t think there’s any easier answer to this except to approach each individual situation with as clear a mind and eye as possible and to decide on the nature of one’s engagement based on as objective an assessment of the circumstances as possible. It also helps to have a number of close, trusted friends with whom one can share one’s perspective and acquire measured feedback.
As a general rule I will treat everyone that I meet well until they give me cause to do otherwise. If I say I will do something then I will do it. I will never rip off a client or customer and will always aim to overdeliver. But in the arenas where corruption is rife and I judge that those with more power than me are operating against me unfairly—or are likely to do so—then you can rest assured that the gloves will come off.
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