When you are attracted to a woman and approach her with the aim of getting a date it is important that she understands clearly what your intention is. That is to say, she must recognise that you are interested in her romantically, that you are hitting on her. There should be no confusion on this point – the very worst thing is for her to think that you are trying to make a new friend.
I emphasise this seemingly obvious point because when you work with clients you quickly notice that many guys default to ‘being the friend’ after they approach a girl with a compliment. Why?
Because it’s the default, easy thing to do.
For example, a man might approach a woman, tell her she looks attractive, and then immediately start asking her for recommendations for what to see and do in the city.
Our job when we are training guys to be more social is to push them into conversations with women they find cute so they become more adept at it, but the nature of those conversations is extremely important if you want to get positive results. And friendly chit chat is not what you should aim for.
Let’s consider the psychological protectionism at play here for a moment. Our guy has just screwed up the courage to walk up to a girl he doesn’t know and pay her a compliment, thus indicating that he is interested in her. In other words he’s put himself on the line because doing so means she can shoot him down easily – ‘sorry, I’m not interested’.
Well, she hasn’t done that yet. But having taken an initial risk he feels winded and resistant to putting himself through further punishment. And so – unconsciously – he opts for the safe route. He reverts to polite chit chat. But in doing so the tension of the interaction ebbs away and – unless she happens to like him because of the way he looks or because of his status – the chances are she won’t be interested in giving him her number or meeting up with him for drinks.
Tension, you see, is all important in a male-female interaction: in fact, if you don’t have some level of it then you have nothing. Tension is achieved when the suggestion of sex is put on the table and remains as yet unresolved. But understand this: in most cases the women you meet won’t input that suggestion themselves – it is up to you as the man (and as the one who approached) to do so. If you fail then you will quickly be relegated to the friendzone, or sent away with a cheery ‘well, it was nice to meet you.’
Creating and maintaining tension in a male-female conversation is not easy but it is central to success in this area. I cover it in detail in my course Dating Conversation Success, and it’s a subject that I’ll return to here as well.
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