I was prompted to begin this essay having just read two articles – one by Huntsman (@Flyover_Country on Twitter), and a no-nonsense rebuttal of it provided by Rian Stone (@_Rian_Stone).
Huntsman’s piece is a takedown of ‘the red pill’ (as he conceptualises it). Rian’s demolishes it.
I do not intend to get into the weeds of the argument here, because, quite frankly, I can’t be bothered. Rian has already done a great job of dismantling Huntsman’s studied but ultimately pointless arguments, and there’s no need for me to go over old ground.
What I’d like to do instead is to zoom out and discuss what the point of the red pill is in the first place; while providing some thoughts on how to take advice in this or any other space.
Alcoholism
Back in the mists of time, when I was 27 years old, my life was on the skids.
I was living in a single room in a shared house in Manchester (in the north of England).
There were cigarette burns in the carpet.
There were old newspapers and used pizza boxes piled out on the floor.
My bed was a mattress with a sleeping bag on it.
My curtain was a blanket nailed to the wall.
There were bottles of urine artfully concealed around the place – bottles I’d pissed in to avoid having to leave the room during my regular drinking binges.
It was not glamorous living.
Now, you’d imagine that anyone in this situation would immediately sit up and say ‘by jove – I think I have a bit of an issue with the old demon drink! I’d better sort this out pronto!’
As it turns out, though, denial is not merely a long river in Egypt. It’s also an extremely powerful mental trick the mind plays on itself. And so for many years I didn’t think of myself as having a drink problem so much as a life problem which required drink to oil the wheels and take the edge off.
Finally, after a series of terrible mishaps (rock bottoms), it became clear even to me that I was perhaps drinking a little too much, and it would be better if I moderated.
So what did I do?
Duh – I went online, of course!
Well, what else does anyone do in the 21st century, now the answer to pretty much any problem you can imagine is to be found with a quick Google search?
As you might imagine, a variety of different options came up from the wacky (go into the desert and dance with shamen), to the banal (keep a ‘drinks diary’ as you cut down).
But the one that appeared most consistently was this: if you want to stop drinking and stay stopped then you should attend a 12-step recovery organisation.
Well, I tried a few of the wacky options first. But when they failed, I remembered about the 12-step organisation advice, and went along to a meeting.
That was 18 years ago. After a few mishaps in the first year, I haven’t picked up a drink since.
That’s 17 years+ of successful sobriety as a result of taking the ‘right’ advice.
12-Step Recovery
So, is everything about 12-step recovery hunky-dory? No. Off the top of my head here are just a few objections one might have to it:
- Requires a belief in a ‘higher power’
- While not affiliated with any religion, it ‘feels’ very Christian, in particular Catholic
- It requires abstinence (which is not what I really wanted, originally)
- The literature, written in the 1930s, is somewhat outdated in places
- Sections like ‘To Wives’ can seem a bit socially and politically off in 2019
- You have to go to regular meetings
And so on.
Is it perfect? No. Does it work? Yes.
Or at least, it’s worked for me. So far For seventeen years. When nothing else did (including hypnotherapy, counselling, controlled drinking, intermittent abstinence, etc.)
Am I a happy customer? Yes. For the most part.
What does all of this have to do with men’s dating / self-help advice?
The great thing about 12-step recovery is that it’s controlled anarchy.
No one is in charge.
There are ‘no leaders, only trusted servants’.
You don’t have to pay for it (other than a small donation in a hat, if you feel like it).
You don’t have to follow any rules.
You don’t even have to go (no one’s going to say anything if you leave for 6 months. Except any friends you’ve made, of course).
There is a huge amount of freedom built into the structure of 12-step organisations which means that you are not controlled in any way. You can do whatever the hell you like .
There is also a great phrase used in meetings – ‘take what you need, discard the rest’.
Take What You Need, Discard the Rest
It’s a useful tool – and it does what it says on the tin.
12-step organisations are analogous to many other setups. There is an orthodoxy – certain guidelines (traditions), writings, and instructions (the 12 steps) – which forms the heart of the organisation and which is freely shared with new attendees.
But, like any organisation, it’s made up of individuals. Some of them are deeply caring, intelligent and empathetic. Some are narcissistic. A few are downright nutters.
That’s life – any sphere that you enter into, be in a business, a church or an online community – is exactly the same.
And because this is an organisation where free speech rules, then anyone can say pretty much anything to anyone else.
What this means in practice is that you sometimes meet very well-meaning people who give advice that is inappropriate (or, in some rare cases, ill-meaning people whose advice is inappropriate).
Which is exactly why the newcomer is advised to ‘take what you need and leave the rest’.
That is, everyone in the world can throw advice at you until they’re blue in the face.
That doesn’t mean you have to take it.
You should only focus on the things that resonate with you and which you think will help you with the kind of life YOU want to live.
Men’s Dating / Self-Help Advice
Alrighty – so how does any of this connect with what I was saying before about men’s self-help and all of that jazz?
It’s all the same thing. Guys come to this space because they want answers on a particular issue – how to get a girl to date, how to get into a relationship, how to find a wife, what to do when they get married.
And so on.
Certainly, that was how I first stumbled on the London-based forum that I joined when I wanted to learn how to improve my dating skills.
Once you’ve found your source then it’s your responsibility to ‘vet’ the information that comes out of it. To take on board what you think will work for you, and to disregard anything that you don’t like, or that you don’t think will serve you.
Which brings me back to Huntsman and his tirade against all-things ‘red pill.’
In principle I don’t have an issue with him (or anyone else) tearing strips off of the ‘movement’.
I don’t believe in sacred cows. I don’t like hierarchies. I don’t believe that respect should be given unless it’s earned – and even then, it shouldn’t be awarded indefinitely.
But in my view Huntsman (and his purple pill brethren) are fighting the wrong battles.
You see, Huntsman has constructed a whole essay around whether or not ‘the red pill’ is a ‘praxeology’ – that is, whether it is simply a theoretical framework; or the basis of instruction and – by extension – an ideology.
If it’s genuinely the former then OK, Huntsman (seems) to say.
But if the red pill is being used to tell guys what to do then it’s bad because . . . well, he doesn’t really explain why.
But doubtless it has something to do with the ‘decline of western civilisation‘ yada yada yada.
My Two Cents
Here’s my two cents.
For one thing, fuck western civ – and I mean that most sincerely. People come to this space as individuals because they want to improve some aspect of their individual lives.
That’s why it’s called ‘self-help’.
If content creators are to serve those people then we need to serve them as individuals.
Not browbeat them as soon as they arrive with exhortations to ‘do the right thing’ (whatever that might be).
So the question of whether TRP is a praxeology is a moot one. Yes, in its purest form it is. And yes, some guys use it to form the a basis for advice and recommendations.
(Myself included).
Well, what of it? It’s an open market. People can create whatever content they wish.
As has been pointed out elsewhere, Huntsman is annoyed because he would prefer to control the narrative according to his own moral predilections.
He doesn’t want the waters being muddied by despicable ‘pleighbois’ or ‘degenerates’ throwing their lot in.
Well, I’m sorry, but free markets don’t work like that.
By the same token, audiences don’t have to take on board my (or anyone else’s) advice either. They can if they want, or they don’t have to.
It’s all the same to me.
None of us is the ultimate arbiter – not me, not Huntsman, not Rian, and not Rollo.
It’s down to men to judge the content accordingly and make their own choices.
How to Improve Your Life
What does all of this mean for YOU?
Simply that the best way you can improve your life right now is to avoid getting dragged down into these circular and ultimately valueless arguments.
You came here for a reason – just like I went to the internet many years ago when I needed to stop drinking.
Well, seek out the creator or resource that best addresses your particular issue.
Find someone you resonate with. Follow their content – but not slavishly. Not uncritically.
Take on board what they have to say which you feel is right, and discard the rest.
It really is as simple as that.
Many of us enjoy the cut-and-thrust on Twitter. The soap opera. The drama.
But in the end it’s all noise.
This is about is men helping one another.
Content creators are responsible to their audience up to a point . . . but beyond that it’s down to the audience to be discerning too.
Keep that in mind, choose your gurus wisely, and you won’t go far wrong.
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To read more about the curse of the purple pill go here.
