I’ve recently been re-reading Robert Greene’s excellent book The Art of Seduction, which I recommend everyone gets a copy of. Here’s an extract where Greene talks about the huge power of narcissism in sexual dynamics.
To adopt the power of the coquette you must understand one other quality: narcissism. Sigmund Freud characterised the ‘narcissistic woman’ (most often obsessed with her appearance) as the type with the greatest effect on men. As children, he explains, we pass through a narcissistic phase that is immensely pleasurable. Happily self-contained and self-involved, we have little psychic need of other people. Then, slowly, we are socialised and taught to pay attention to others – but we secretly yearn for those blissful early days. The narcissistic woman reminds a man of that period, and makes him envious. Perhaps contact with her will restore that feeling of self-involvement.
Of course, Greene is here referring to the effect that female behaviour has on men. However, this can apply equally the other way around. Human nature is human nature after all. And anyway, perhaps it reminds you of a situation where you’ve been dating a narcissistic woman who was entirely absorbed with herself, and how that absorption pulled you in even deeper. There’s a strange process that takes place whereby narcissistic people who care only for themselves can make us almost addicted to them, begging for more. And the more they disregard us, the more we want them.
The task for the would-be seducer, then, is to figure out how he can mobilise this dynamic himself in order to make women obsessively interested in him. And really it’s not that difficult. You simply need to always put yourself first, or ‘make yourself your own mental point of origin’, as Rollo Tomassi, author of The Rational Male would have it.
Robert Greene then goes on to write the following:
A man is also challenged by the female coquette’s independence – he wants to be the one to make her dependent to burst her bubble. It is far more likely, though, that he will end up becoming her slave, giving her incessant attention to gain her love, and failing. For the narcissistic woman is not emotionally needy: she is self-sufficient. And this is surprisingly seductive. Self-esteem is critical in seduction. (Your attitude to yourself is read by the other person in subtle and unconscious ways). Low self-esteem repels, confidence and self-sufficiency attract. The less you seem to need other people, the more likely others will be drawn to you. Understand the importance of this in relationships and you will find your neediness easier to suppress
This makes crystal clear precisely why self-sufficiency is so attractive to both sexes (and again, although Greene is talking about female behaviour here, this works equally well the other way around. Indeed, some have claimed that ‘game’ or dating skills are simply female tactics turned on their head and used by men). Because if you appear self-sufficient then the other person will assume that you have high self-esteem. And that is almost universally attractive since people tend to believe what they are told. Therefore if you communicate that you think highly of yourself then those you would seek to attract will assume there is some basis in it. In other words ‘he must have some reason for thinking he’s so great. Probably he has successfully dated a lot of beautiful women in the past’. When you transmit this impression then you will effortlessly attract people to you. You will appear more charismatic simply because, well, if you weren’t charismatic then would you really have the nerve to behave in such a fashion? It’s unlikely.
That said, this isn’t about faking it to make it. You really should have a high regard for yourself, and you really should be independent. And this really should be based on actual rather than fabricated value.
I have written in the past on the idea of ‘positive selfishness’ and it’s worth bringing up again here. Those who are on their own true path, and who are selfish in their focus, tend to be rewarded in the sexual marketplace above those who are externally-focussed and hungry for attention and validation from women. It’s a cruel quirk of human nature that things work this way, but they do, and you must be aware of it and coordinate your persona accordingly.
I’m sure many of us have had the experience of being head over heels in love with someone and attendant to their every whim, only to be cruelly rejected. Maybe you’ve also been on the other side of the fence – disinterested in a lover (or potential lover) who became correspondingly obsessed with you.
The truth of the matter is that all human beings seek value, in their romantic relationships as well as elsewhere. This might sound like a crude commercialisation of the mysterious and sacred erotic terrain, but let’s face it, it’s true. And therefore if you would like to earn you share – or more than your share – of pleasure in this arena, then you must learn to be more self-absorbed, more narcissistic, and more self-sufficient. Or project these things at least.
Of course, many know this instinctively, but fail to act accordingly. Why? Because they fear that their intrinsic value is not sufficient, and the object of their affections will simply walk away. But can’t you see that if you’re thinking like this then you’ve already lost the game? Because if even you don’t think you’re good enough then why the hell should she? This is where faking it until you make it can help – up to a point. But at the same time you must also work hard to build your interests and your value up. You must have a mission that is separate to whoever you are dating (or seeking to date). It must be all-consuming and it must take up a lot of your time. That way, regardless of the vicissitudes of the dating marketplace, you will have a bigger, all-encompassing focus. And that in itself will only make you all the more attractive – the object of female obsession, in fact.
Because all of us, male and female, are jealous of people like this, who are on their own path, and we seek to possess them in the hope that we too might become like them, or at least benefit from their seemingly superhuman powers.
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