A question that comes up time and again: how soon should I message her once I have her phone number?
It’s an obvious question, and an understandable one, but it bespeaks a certain wrongheadedness about the dating process.
Put simply, if you are bugging out about how soon (or not) to message her then you are overly-invested in the interaction, and likely in her too.
You care too much.
And a man who cares too much is, nine times out of ten, a man without many options.
Because after all, why would you be bothered by a small thing such as when to send a damn text message if you had multiple romantic opportunities?
Do you think that perennial point of comparison Leonardo Di Caprio overthinks how soon – or not – he texts?
Of course he doesn’t.
Why not?
Well, first because he is a ‘high value man’ – of such high value that he is doubtless under the impression that the woman is glad to receive his message no matter how rapidly or slowly it arrives.
And second, because he has a countless array of other options open to him for dating.
So if it doesn’t work out with this particular woman then another will appear to take her place very shortly.
OK, but we’re not all Leonardo Di Caprio, I hear you cry. Or anything even approximating his level of fame and influence.
Which is doubtless true.
But how about your level of self-love and self-regard?
Just because you didn’t star in Titanic you’re not allowed to think highly of yourself?
Of course you are,
I am not exhorting you to be delusional, by the way. I am merely pointing out that (1) there’s no earthly reason why, as the star of your own life, you shouldn’t regard yourself highly, and (2) you will generally appear more attractive to others if you do so.
So from the point of view of optics alone you shouldn’t overthink the whys and wherefores of when you message too much. You should simply message when the fancy takes you regardless of whatever the woman’s response may or may not be.
But if you want something a little more prescriptive on this (and I don’t blame you if you do) then my recommendation is that you should text sooner rather than later once you have her number.
Why? Quite simply because – if you hadn’t noticed – we live in an extremely fast-paced world.
Social media feeds are live and they pump out content continuously 24 hours a day.
There is a 24 hour news cycle.
New shows and movies drop on platforms like Netflix every day.
There’s always some fresh piece of gossip from the royals, from the worlds of entertainment, politics and sport.
And there’s always some new alert sounding on our phones, jolting us out of any temporary reverie and forcing us to pay attention.
Now like it or not, when you are hoping to get to know a new woman, whose investment in you at this point is, let’s face it, probably minimal, you are in active competition against all these other forms of entertainment.
Yes, while you may consider yourself something far more serious, for her, at this early stage, you are just another voice amongst the many that vye for her attention every moment of the day.
And that being the case it is simply common sense that you should make yourself visible to her as soon as possible,
Because in 2023 attention is key. And if you don’t have her attention then you have nothing. And her attention – which was doubtless awarded to you momentarily when you first met – is fleeting, and can quickly turn to another.
Say you meet her in Starbucks at 3pm on Wednesday afternoon. You have a pleasant conversation and both of you leave happy. But then on the way home her ex-boyfriend messages her. Or that cute guy from Tinder she’s been thinking about finally sends her a WhatsApp. Or a rather appealing-looking minor celebrity with a blue checkmark slides into her DMs on Instagram.
It’s not that she will immediately forget about you. Apart from anything else, face-to-face initial meets are always more impactful and memorable than anything that gestates online. But you must concede that as time passes and other romantic possibilities emerge your place in her affections will inevitably be compromised.
And for that reason it makes sense to message quickly. You made a great impression when you met her. Why let that go to waste? Maintain the momentum. Engage her digitally as you did in real life. Ensure that you remain central in her thoughts. And then, when you’ve chatted back and forth for a little while, set up a date and meet for real.
In a world where attention spans are decreasing and all manner of media floods us with stimulation at all times of the day and night, it makes zero sense to hang back when you meet someone new. You want to explode into her consciousness, not fumble and trip like an errant mouse. So do what is required and send that initial message straight away!
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