Comes a question from someone who consumes my content: ‘Hey Troy, love the videos. I have a very simple question. I am 23 years’ old with no sexual experience and all I want is to find a girlfriend. How do I get a girlfriend?’
Now once upon a time – we are led to believe – the answer to this was straightforward. You go out – maybe to a party or a bar – get talking to a woman you find yourself attracted to, ask her on a date and then . . . voila! You are at floor one in the elevator marked ‘ride up to the floor marked “girlfriend”’
Actually, in my long experience of dating (since the early 90s no less!) it was never actually this easy. Women were always more inclined towards the highest grade men they could get (well why not?). There was always competition from other, better-looking, richer and more ‘jacked’ dudes. And you always had to ensure that your personal development was on point – particularly in regard to your appearance (grooming, style etc), fitness and social skills.
Still, back in the day, before social media and dating apps became the behemoth we now know, it seemed a lot more straightforward. Whereas in 2023 dating feels like a labyrinthine nightmare.
So, how does our friend ‘get’ a girlfriend?
Actually, let’s take a step back for a minute.
If you’re the kind of guy who asks a question like this, then understand that you are on the wrong track from the off.
In other words, if you are sitting there wondering ‘how do I get a girlfriend?’ then that right there is your problem.
You are too focused on the outcome. You are very probably under the impression that getting this imaginary girlfriend will somehow magically solve all of your other life problems. And you likely have little or no understanding of the additional complexities and, yes, problems, having a girlfriend will likely introduce into your life.
Not just that, but you are seemingly too keen to hand over your autonomy to this imaginary person, forsaking all the good things there are about being single,
None of which is particularly attractive to women.
So if you are asking yourself the question ‘how do I get a girlfriend’, what you should really do is take a step back and instead ask ‘why do I want a girlfriend so badly anyway?’
I appreciate that it’s easy for me to say that, and if you feel that you have lacked affection for a portion of your life, or even for most of it, then finding someone ‘special’ seems like the most important thing in the world.
But what you must understand is that another human being will never make you whole in the way that perhaps you imagine.
And that actually when you introduce another person into the mix you will subject yourself to layers of friction and complication that you likely never imagined possible before.
With all of that being said, what is the answer? How do you get a girlfriend in 2023?
The answer is counterintuitive, as are most things in this area. And it is that the best way to ‘get’ a girlfriend in 2023 is to not want one.
Yes, that’s right. The less you want a girlfriend, the more likely it is you will end up with one.
How does that work? Quite simply, it comes back to the old idea, much repeated in the men’s self-development sphere, that you should be working on your own purpose first and foremost. And that romantic relationships should be secondary to that.
For example, imagine it’s always been your ambition to be a great painter. Then you should be working on that – painting day and night – rather than concerning yourself with something as insignificant as a relationship.
Because in the end we all have very limited time on this planet. Shockingly limited time, actually. And while love is hugely significant in our lives, in the final analysis what mark do you want to leave on this planet? No man is honoured for having been in love. He is honoured – or may be, at least – for the work he does.
And you know what? A man on his mission is just naturally more attractive to women than one who isn’t. What woman wouldn’t prefer to deal with a guy with goals, drive and ambition, rather than one whose only distinguishing characteristic, as far as she’s aware, is wanting her?
Even when you meet a woman and begin seeing her, the more you appear keen for things to become ‘serious’ between the two of you, the more repelled she is likely to be.
This may be explained by the age-old conundrum that defines most human interactions; namely, that we always want the things we can’t have.
So if you are super-accessible, and ready to bend to her every whim, then she’s less likely to want you.
Whereas if you are hard to reach, busy, immersed in some great passion project – well, that just seems to increase your value in her eyes.
So next time you find yourself sitting there wondering ‘how to get a girlfriend’, consider instead that you would be far better off finding some other purpose in life that has nothing at all to do with women.
►►BOOK a FREE introductory call with TROY to discuss your dating life and how you can achieve your goals with bespoke coaching
►► Join my free email subscriber list here.
►►Own all 11 of my books & dating guides now here.
