There is a paradox – life is short and so you should go for the things that you want. But if you’re too ready to rule people, experiences and things out because they don’t quite measure up you risk missing out something you would have really enjoyed.
I was working with a client in Warsaw the other day. We’ll call him Mr C. Mr C is well-dressed and decent-looking. He does, however, suffer from acute social anxiety. As we were walking around the city and I was encouraging him to start conversations with attractive women, Mr C made a persuasive argument: that his interactions always went better when he was strongly attracted to the girl he was talking to, and therefore speaking to anyone else was a waste of time.
In one regard Mr C is right – there is no doubt that when you interact with a woman you feel a strong desire for something magical happens. An intense chemistry can be created between the two of you. Not that this happens unfailingly. But you can’t fake authentic feeling: when you’re genuinely into her she will feel it and this will often trigger a commensurate physiological response in her.
That said, the problem with cleaving too strongly to this idea is that you leave other opportunities on the table, and Mr C was walking around rejecting the idea of approaching perfectly cute women because ‘she’s just not quite my type’.
I don’t intend to get mawkishly sentimental here, but the truth is that you can’t always tell ahead of time whether you are going to gel with a particular woman or not. It often happens that a girl who on first glance you are not particularly interested in appears more attractive after you’ve spoken to her for a few minutes. That chemistry thing works both ways, you see. And while it is correct to say that men are largely motivated by looks, the way we respond to and rate her looks is affected by the way she acts and how you two get on.
I don’t therefore propose that you approach women who are definitely not your physical type for the sake of it. I do suggest, though, that you widen the window of what you deem to be attractive as far as possible. For example, if you’re into in-shape girls with brunette hair, that covers a hell of a lot of ground – tall girls, short girls, English women, Korean women, Italian women and so on. Also, is ‘brunette’ a non-negotiable? How about if she has mousy brown hair? Or dirty blonde hair? And so on.
The point is that it is worth at least having a conversation with anyone you meet who falls roughly within your parameters of desire because that intangible ‘chemistry’ thing works in mysterious ways. Often you will find that that woman who you initially didn’t think too much starts to really turn you on as you get to know one another better.
The very worst thing you can do is use ‘she’s not quite the sort I normally go for’ as a tool for avoiding approaches that deep down you know you should be making. Yes, speak to those women who give you that ‘DNA tug’, but don’t limit yourself because of fear or arbitrarily exacting standards.
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