Let’s turn our attention for a moment to developing ‘real’ inner game. By this I mean we need to go further than a few trite platitudes worthy of Instagram, because not everyone is fortunate enough to start from a ‘good-enough’ baseline.
Many guys – myself included – who come to this space for advice and guidance on dating have real underlying issues, both mental and otherwise. And chief amongst these is social anxiety.
First off, what is social anxiety? Here’s a definition from the British National Health Service website:
‘Social anxiety disorder is an overwhelming fear of social situations like meeting or speaking to people. Symptoms of social anxiety include worrying about speaking to people, dreading social events, avoiding eye contact and low self-esteem. Talking therapies are the main treatment for social anxiety. Self-help courses and antidepressants can also help some people.’
Or in other words, social anxiety is what they used to call ‘shyness’ in less complicated times.
I’m being humorous, but social anxiety is no laughing matter – it can fatally inhibit not just your dating life, but your social life and your career as well. Because when you come to think about it, social acumen is really the key to everything you want in life, since getting nearly anything is contingent on convincing someone else that they should give it to you.
As the NHS quote states, talking therapies – that is, talking to someone, whether a professional counsellor or a coach like me – is one of the best ways to ease the problem. Antidepressants may also help in the short term, but for me the real solution was to take on board certain mindset tools and techniques by really thinking through socialising and place in the social hierarchy, and then taking massive action in terms of going out and approaching not only attractive women, but also starting conversations with groups and even guys who I wanted to befriend.
In other words, what might be termed ‘aversion therapy’ (a type of behaviour therapy designed to make patients give up an undesirable habit by causing them to associate it with an unpleasant effect) is key – that is, throwing yourself into many thousands of uncomfortable situations where you will either sink or swim, and continuing to do so until you begin to find your feet and it becomes a little easier.
But the mindset part is essential also – you shouldn’t act without first ensuring that you have the mental tools that will provide you with sufficient fortitude to do so. (These, of course, are what I teach in CAD ACADEMY).
If you are reading this and having trouble imagining that you will ever be able to pull yourself out of the dark pit of despondence that you currently find yourself in, I am living proof that it is possible, since I suffered from all of the symptoms highlighted by the NHS.
Let’s take one example – avoiding eye contact. For years I was completely unable to hold eye contact with anyone – not other guys, and certainly not attractive women. I have recounted several times the story of how once, on a visit to Oxford University where I was a prospective student, I was greeted at breakfast by a pretty girl who asked me how I’d enjoyed my evening the day before. Not only was I unable to look at her, I was also unable even to summon up a single word in reply, leaving her to pityingly dismiss me and continue talking with her friend.
A big problem that I had back then (aged 16 or so) was terrible acne, which certainly increased my low self-esteem. But to be honest, the low self-esteem had long been present anyway, perhaps as a consequence of certain unfortunate events that had taken place in my family after my parents’ divorce.
But whatever the reasons, the lack of self-esteem mutated, as I became an adolescent, into vigorous self-hatred which (like the prototype ‘black pill’ guy I was) I fetishised and amplified, since I secretly rather enjoyed wallowing in the self-pity this birthed.
As you can imagine, to pull myself out of this suboptimal state I had to face up to a great many demons and to try to undo a lot of damage. And there is no doubt that talking therapy and yes, antidepressants helped me a great deal.
But to get myself to a point where my dating life was abundant, and even further, to a stage where I was able to impart advice to other men, the only ‘real’ cure was continued exposure to the thing that I feared most – rejection by attractive women. And you know what? The more pushed myself into situations where this was a risk, the more comfortable I felt, until now approaching is pretty much second nature.
I am not claiming that this was an easy process, or that it will be for you. It took a lot of time, risk-taking and facing my demons head on. But it was also worth it, because I can genuinely say that my life is many thousands of times better today than it was back then across all areas I can think of, dating and career being just two.
The world’s greatest INNER GAME course, CAD ACADEMY is an ACTIONABLE plan for developing charisma and the right mindset to absolutely crush it in the dating game. The course is open for new students now 5th – 12th November 2021 and includes live group coaching with me via Zoom. Find out more and join the course here now.
