This is an excerpt from my 2017 book How To Be An Assh*le
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Narcissism, to get colloquial for a moment, is extreme self-love. There is little on the planet more attractive to a girl than a guy who loves himself. This is of course entirely counter-intuitive to the nice guy just starting out. In fact, when you listen to all the Bruno Mars and Ed Sheeran songs that we are force-fed, you will see that society’s advice on how men should behave when they want to pull a girl runs entirely counter to reality.
‘You’re my one and only’, ‘There’s no one else but you baby’, ‘I will love you forever, if only you’ll be mine’ And so on.
I just made those lyrics up but they could have come from any top-forty hit in the last forty years. What these lyrics (and the pop songs I mock) have in common is they hint at, or blatantly express, supplication to the female. ‘You are so wonderful,’ goes the subtext. ‘If only you would consider a worm like me.’
If you’ve had any real-life experience with girls, whether you’re into game or not, you will see this for the nonsense that it is. But record companies, like any other company, put out product that sells. The truth is that girls do like devotion and undying love—as long as they come from the kinds of stone-cold alpha assholes they’re already attracted to.
The problem is that too many men have for too long believed that if they only follow the script of supplication that Bruno Mars has laid out for them, they too will be successful. But the harsh reality is—If she doesn’t want to fuck you— or really, if she isn’t already fucking you—then that kind of whiny, needy, yearning crap is not going to help.
If you are a mediocre, unremarkable, guy and you come out with that, it’s going to make her nauseous.
More truth.
This, by the way, is just one example of how human nature can actually appear horribly cruel when we measure it against how we would like things to be. Surely it should be the case that in order to pull that girl, all you need to do is go up to her and tell you how much you like her, and how beautiful you find her. And shouldn’t telling her how devoted you’re going to be (not like those other bad boys, those assholes) make her like you? Because after all, that’s what women want isn’t it? Commitment? So how can you possibly go wrong telling her that you’re going to provide it?
The trouble is that there is no referee in male-female relationships. You can’t call the police because she hasn’t acted in the way that you think logically (and ethically) she should have. You have to just suck it up. And yes, it is counterintuitive for the most part. But here’s the thing. Sex and relationships are really all about value— that and the delicate and complex negotiations linked to the exchange of that value.
Young women in their prime (let’s call that 18-26) have huge value, value of the kind that most men will never have— certainly not in their twenties unless they strike it lucky and are very rich or famous. Think about it. It stands to reason that a high-value girl is not just going to give that value away to whatever chode comes along and asks for it. She is going to save it for the hottest, highest value man she can find.
By the way, I should point out that ‘value’ in this context means a great many things, and can mean different things to different girls. What it doesn’t necessarily mean, though, unless she’s a gold-digger, is wealth. As we will see in the course of this book, when it comes to casual sex girls don’t necessarily go for rich guys since provisioning isn’t part of the deal. Fame, as I’ve said, really helps in pickup, but so few men have genuine fame that it’s not really worth discussing in detail here. Moreover, many guys getting regular high-grade girls are not famous.
So in this context what I really mean by value is ‘perceived value’ – that is, the value that you communicate through every aspect of your being from your look, to your style, to—yes—your internalisation of dark tetrad characteristics.
But let’s go back to that value exchange I was talking about, and let’s think about the hot 23-year-old model. She can’t fuck everyone who approaches her—she has to narrow it down. She’s also too young, to want to get serious, to want kids and a mortgage and all of that stuff. She doesn’t need a provider, in other words. So being rich won’t necessarily help you. She does, however, have sexual needs. She has to have sex with someone. So how does she pick?
The obvious answer is that she is going to choose a man with at least equal—but very likely superior—‘value’ to her own. Now think about this: women, famously, are the gatekeepers of sex. Men proposition women (for the most part) and women decide whether or not to accept or reject them. But men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Because once you’ve entered into a sexual relationship it is up to the man whether he wants to accept a long-term partner and provide for her or not.
On some level, everyone knows this. While there is huge competition among men for the hottest girls, there is also huge competition between women (which increases as they age) as to who is going to land the best provider or husband. If you don’t believe me then just look at how obsessed most women are with weddings marriage. And listen to them talk about how annoyed they get when they’re invited to weddings as bridesmaids and are nowhere close to getting married themselves.
Women are well aware that men make a big personal sacrifice when they commit. It’s at least fair to say that commitment is the prize that men hold equivalent to the sex that women govern. Therefore, if you come on like Bruno Mars and offer her up your heart and your commitment without any investment from her at all then what is she supposed to think? That you are bereft of other options. That you are needy. That you are desperate. Getting darker for a moment, she might even despise you for wanting her that much.
Don’t for a moment think that beautiful girls are entirely happy in their skins. In fact—and this is only anecdotal, but I have heard plenty of other people express similar thoughts—some of the craziest girls are also the most attractive. It is as though their beauty somehow has a corrosive effect which causes them deep personality issues.
Perhaps it is the effect of having been basically worshipped all their lives. Or perhaps it is the disorientation that must come about as a consequence of objectification. Whatever the reasons, don’t assume that just because she’s sexy she has a high opinion of herself, and don’t, therefore, assume that she will think well of you for supplicating. If anything, she’s more likely to see you as a simple mark who’s easily played. As I’ve said, the narcissist is someone who has extreme self love— a disproportionately high opinion of himself.
If you are such a man then it is highly unlikely that you are going to supplicate to a girl? Why? Well, first off if you believe you are the shit then you are going to assume that you have an abundance of sexual opportunities (whether that’s true or not). There must be a bunch of girls out there who are just dying to fuck you. Why wouldn’t they?
One narcissist I used to work with, Steve, (actually had all of the dark tetrad characteristics, so I’ll be referring to him throughout the book) used to have this joke. Say he’d gone for a meeting with an attractive colleague. If you were to say something like ‘So, do you think she was attracted to you?’, he would always say ‘She’s not made of plastic, is she?’
Now, clearly this was a witticism that in other hands might land badly. But when Steve said it he had this gleam in his eye, this intense stare, that gave the strong sense that he was entirely serious. That he absolutely and entirely believed to the core of his being that unless a girl were genuinely made of plastic she couldn’t help but be attracted to him.
As arrogant as this may sound this is where we want to get your thinking.
To read the rest grab your copy of HOW TO BE AN ASSH*LE here.
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