The thing about approach anxiety is that it never really goes away.
You’d think that it would, right?
But no, it doesn’t.
And the ways in which it manifests itself become increasingly sneaky and seemingly underhand as time goes on.
First, let me explain the terminology I’m using here. ‘Approach anxiety’, in the lexicon of dating, is that palpable fear we all get when faced with the prospect of walking up to a new—well—prospect and showing our interest.
For most guys, that translates as: walking up to strange girls who I fancy is really hard.
Yes, it is hard. And for good reason—back in the old days (and I mean the really old days here, when we used to wear bearskin togas, club one another over the head and hunt for our dinners) rejection by a woman was a really bad thing.
If she was from another tribe (and she might well be, since the top dog alpha dude in your own tribe was probably monopolising all the ladies there) and you approached and she rejected you then you might find yourself being pursued and killed by her protectors.
And similarly, expressing interest in the wrong woman in your own tribe could result in ostracization, even death.
Well, that was then and this is 2019. And today, in the vast majority of cases, the very worst that’s going to happen to you when you approach a girl you’re interested in who doesn’t like you back, is she’ll give you an Ariana Grande-style ‘Thank you, next’, flick her hair in your face and that’ll be it.
Still, we are hardwired to fear rejection and to try to avoid it at all costs.
This can take many forms. Classically, you might be in a busy street (say Oxford Street in London), see a beautiful girl you’d like to get to know, but become frozen and incapable of doing anything.
This sort of thing happens all the time.
And our minds make up excuses for why we can’t possibly make the approach:
- She’s too good for me (out of my league)
- She looks bitchy
- She’s walking too fast
- She probably has a boyfriend
- I don’t want to disturb her
And so on.
Any of these reasons may or may not be valid, but the point is we don’t know and never will unless we verify it by proceeding anyway.
Approach Anxiety Because Of Your Social Group
Another thing that really holds guys back from approaching is—sadly—their social group.
Put simply, we don’t like getting rejected in front of our mates.
I was out in Manchester recently with a couple of friends I’ve known for a very long time, since before my ‘game’ days—although not before my ‘approaching girls’ days, since my strategy even then was ‘mass approaching’ in nightclubs and bars (albeit in a very untutored way).
These are dudes I get on very well with and have a close relationship with.
And yet, I can still feel stifled and unwilling to approach new girls in front of them, even now.
Take the other night, for example.
We were in a busy club in Manchester, surrounded by beautiful girls.
And . . . I found it really hard to summon up the mojo to approach.
Thinking back now, I could kick myself.
The place was fun, the people were friendly, and there’s no reason why I couldn’t have met some cool new people that night.
Instead, I chose to simply dance with my friends and not really take the initiative.
One of my friends met a couple of new girls simply by being good looking and standing around awaiting IOIs.
I wasn’t so fortunate.
Generally speaking, I need to be a little more proactive in order to make things happen.
And that night I wasn’t.
Why not?
Well:
- I was tired
- I couldn’t really be bothered
- I figured ‘I’ve got girls already—why do I need to approach any more tonight? Why not just take the night off and chill instead?
- I didn’t want to get rejected in front of my mates
So I did very little by way of talking to new people and consequently it was a fairly uneventful night.
Now, perhaps that doesn’t matter very much in the big scheme of things—except that I (like everyone else on the planet) only has a finite number of nights available to them. That was one of mine—and I wasted it.
Perhaps the most important of all the excuses I made to myself posted above is the one about not wanting to suffer rejection in front of my friends. Now, in reality, that one doesn’t matter a damn. I’ve been rejected in front of them more times than you’ve had hot dinners. A few more times isn’t going to make any difference—and the likelihood is that in a club full of Manchester hotties I could very likely have make something happen by the end of the night anyway.
Your Friends Might Be Keeping You Down
But there’s an important point here—namely that it is often our social group that prevents us from making the moves that we should. Perhaps they have a fixed idea of us in their heads, and if we attempt to transcend it by doing something good for ourselves—i.e. by trying to expand our social circles by talking to new people. And if we go against it in any way then they will instinctively try to push us back down again—through teasing, ‘banter’, and so on.
Which is precisely why for a lot of my time in the dating arena I’ve been a solo operator. I love to go out to do daygame on my own, and I sometimes go to bars and clubs alone too. People find these things nerve-wracking, but to me they are actually easier than doing it in a group context where you have the additional pressure of the opprobrium one’s friends.
In my personal case the trip to Manchester is small beans—as you’ll be aware from this website and from my new YouTube channel I have plenty going on already.
But things might be different for you. Perhaps one of the reasons you think game is ‘really hard’ is because you spend time with a bunch of friends where there’s a strict hierarchy, and where you are simply not seen as the one who approaches and gets girls.
Well, my friend, that’s tricky . . . but you have to do something about it. And that thing is probably breaking away and going out on your own, at least some of the time.
Why bother trying to break a mould built up over many years with your friendship group? It’s far easier to go your own way (some of the time) and do your own thing.
That means you will need to accustom yourself to the rigour and joy of solo game.
But that’s for another article.
To see me talking to girls infield head over and subscribe to my new YouTube channel now.
To own all 9 of my dating / game books for just $35 (full value $250) go here
To learn more about modern dating go here.
