You need to become a master of detachment with beautiful girls. You have no choice—they represent too much distraction and you will be swallowed up by oneitus and inactivity if you don’t.
Here’s the bind. You meet her. She is sexy and bewitching. Perhaps she wears things that have a specific erotic piquancy for you: certain types of lingerie, certain fabrics (leather or latex), certain colours (black or red). Perhaps she talks in a particular way about sex. Perhaps she keeps you waiting for her WhatsApp messages.
Whatever. In short order you are hooked. And then this girl is all that occupies your mind. You find yourself frantically checking your phone in the office, in the subway. When a message from her arrives, your heart beats faster. If it is one that pleases you then you feel validated. If it is one that disappoints you, you can go into a funk for hours, even days.
None of this is any good for you or your work. And furthermore, none of it is any good for your relationship with the girl either.
The Ideal Alpha
In situations like these it is worth considering what the ‘ideal alpha’ would do: that alpha who doesn’t really exist, who can’t exist, because he represents the extreme limit of potential alpha behaviour.
And when you think about it, he would do nothing.
Nothing. He wouldn’t pander to this girl’s games. He wouldn’t get butthurt and remonstrate with her. He wouldn’t get angry. He wouldn’t even notice her.
Because the ideal alpha has unlimited abundance, meaning that he has so many girls available to him that the vacillations of one are not even visible. It is not that he is unconcerned by her behaviour, he simply doesn’t notice it. He is far too busy fucking someone else. More importantly than that, he is far too busy on his mission.
Think of a superhero intent on saving the world. He’s not going to let some flakey young woman throw him off course.
There is a word for the kind of ‘not giving a damn’ that I’m talking about: ‘detachment’.
Detachment is a familiar concept to those who have undergone therapy and 12-step recovery for codependency. Here is a definition of codependency from Mental Health America:
Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.
‘One-sided, emotionally destructive and / or abusive.’ I particularly like the use of the term ‘one-sided’. Think about the times that you’ve been obsessed with this or that girl for a moment. Think about your experiences of oneitus. Was the girl feeling the same way about you? Hell no. She didn’t give a damn. So the ‘relationship’ was one-sided. It was in your head—sometimes literally, if you happen to be a virgin with a crush on a girl who hasn’t even noticed you in school.
And by extension it was ’emotionally destructive’—for you—and also ‘abusive’, even if the girl didn’t set out to be so.
If you’ve read my book How To Be An Asshole you’ll remember that I refer to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. I’m a big fan of Beattie. I was first exposed to her work over a decade ago, maybe longer, through the 12-step programme I am a part of.
When you have problems with alcohol and drugs, these tend to mask other issues around relationships: most alcoholics are also codependents, and they certainly attract codependents to them. I read the daily extract from Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go every morning over coffee when I get up.
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency . . . Detachment is not something we do once. It is a daily behaviour in recovery . . . We learn to let go of people we love, people we like and those we don’t particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process. We relinquish our tight hold and the need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves.
She writes a hell of a lot more about this: you should check out her books. But there are certain key strands we can take from the above.
First off, if you have oneitus, or are in an obsessive relationship with some girl, you need to detach, and you need to do so on a daily basis.
What detaching means is simply relinquishing control. Letting go. Because this is all centred around control. You check your phone every five minutes? In your head you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that ‘if I just check it one more time maybe she’ll message me.’ In a counter-intuitive way you’re attempting to control the relationship.
So-called ‘Soft-nexting’ (when you cut all contact with the girl for four to seven days) which I’ve recommended on this site before and used myself in recent times, is really just another attempt to control. Yes, it’s a more alpha, outcome-independent manner of control, but still. You are hoping that ‘if I do X (stop all contact with her) then she will do Y.’ It works, but girls will know what you’re doing, feel punished and resent you for it.
Detachment is a far more subtle tool. As such it is advanced and somewhat hard to use. With detachment you don’t break contact because you don’t need to—you don’t care enough to have to. What you do instead is simply massively reduce your investment in her. You separate yourself, and your processes from her and her processes.
Again, consider the ‘ideal alpha’ who is sleeping with ten other women. Does he give girls the silent treatment because they do something that displeases him? No. Why would he bother? He lets them do whatever the hell they want. He remains an oak tree. If at some point they want to come over and fuck him then that’s great. If they don’t, then that’s no problem either.
Are there practical steps you can take to detach? Yes. Beattie recommends a few. One is to write. Simply write about the ways in which you are trying to control this girl.
Another is to write down all the things you wouldn’t be doing, and all the things you would be doing, if you weren’t obsessed with her. Then once you have that list, acting accordingly.
You’re doing this stuff in the background. You are making detachment a daily practice. You are getting up in the morning and reminding yourself that now you are detached from this girl. That now you taking responsibility for yourself and your life rather than her. That you have shifted your focus.
What does this mean in practice? Don’t check your phone as much. Don’t be on social media the whole time. Remove yourself—gently—from the little mental games you’ve been playing.
Yes, if she messages you then you can respond. Just don’t invest too much. Send a cheeky emoji or a one-word answer. Don’t be unpleasant or butthurt. Just be that guy with other things on his mind.
As I say, it’s a subtle technique. You are making no attempt to push her out of your orbit (because why would you bother?) but at the same time you are drastically reducing the significance she has in your life. It might sound harsh put like that, but this is healthy.
It’s better for you and for her.
At first you may have to fake it until you make it. That’s absolutely fine. This is a daily practice, remember. You might fuck up. You might send her an effusive message in a weak moment. You might call her when you’re drunk. It doesn’t matter. Stop. Regroup. Pull back. Detach once more.
It is more important to remain broadly on the same path than to worry needlessly about minor slips.
Think again about the ideal alpha. Think about the options that he has. Then recognise that you too have options, even if you can’t see them right now. You have options in your sex life. You have options in your career.
Use tools like writing, meditation and exercise. Work on your business or job. Meet friends. Fill your life up with things other than her.
Most importantly of all, accept her the way that she is. OK, she’s a flakey girl who flirts with other guys and can’t keep her knickers on. So what? That is her stuff, not yours. Her flakiness does not detract from you as a human being one iota. Detach from her. Let her do what she’s going to do. Live your own life instead.
Yes, it’s hard. But the better you are able to do this, the better life (and sex life) you will inevitably come to enjoy.
Draw a line in the sand. On one side, your stuff—your ambitions, your flaws, your glories, your dreams. On the other side, hers. Now, stay on your side of the line.
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