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Why You Need To Become A Master Of Detachment With Beautiful Girls

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You need to become a master of detachment with beautiful girls. You have no choice—they represent too much distraction and you will be swallowed up by oneitus and inactivity if you don’t.

Here’s the bind. You meet her. She is sexy and bewitching. Perhaps she wears things that have a specific erotic piquancy for you: certain types of lingerie, certain fabrics (leather or latex), certain colours (black or red). Perhaps she talks in a particular way about sex. Perhaps she keeps you waiting for her WhatsApp messages.

Whatever. In short order you are hooked. And then this girl is all that occupies your mind. You find yourself frantically checking your phone in the office, in the subway. When a message from her arrives, your heart beats faster. If it is one that pleases you then you feel validated. If it is one that disappoints you, you can go into a funk for hours, even days.

None of this is any good for you or your work. And furthermore, none of it is any good for your relationship with the girl either.

The Ideal Alpha

In situations like these it is worth considering what the ‘ideal alpha’ would do: that alpha who doesn’t really exist, who can’t exist, because he represents the extreme limit of potential alpha behaviour.

And when you think about it, he would do nothing.

Nothing. He wouldn’t pander to this girl’s games. He wouldn’t get butthurt and remonstrate with her. He wouldn’t get angry. He wouldn’t even notice her. 

Because the ideal alpha has unlimited abundance, meaning that he has so many girls available to him that the vacillations of one are not even visible. It is not that he is unconcerned by her behaviour, he simply doesn’t notice it. He is far too busy fucking someone else. More importantly than that, he is far too busy on his mission.

Think of a superhero intent on saving the world. He’s not going to let some flakey young woman throw him off course.


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There is a word for the kind of ‘not giving a damn’ that I’m talking about: ‘detachment’.

Detachment is a familiar concept to those who have undergone therapy and 12-step recovery for codependency. Here is a definition of codependency from Mental Health America:

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

‘One-sided, emotionally destructive and / or abusive.’ I particularly like the use of the term ‘one-sided’. Think about the times that you’ve been obsessed with this or that girl for a moment. Think about your experiences of oneitus. Was the girl feeling the same way about you? Hell no. She didn’t give a damn. So the ‘relationship’ was one-sided. It was in your head—sometimes literally, if you happen to be a virgin with a crush on a girl who hasn’t even noticed you in school.

And by extension it was ’emotionally destructive’—for you—and also ‘abusive’, even if the girl didn’t set out to be so.

Melody Beattie

If you’ve read my book How To Be An Asshole you’ll remember that I refer to Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. I’m a big fan of Beattie. I was first exposed to her work over a decade ago, maybe longer, through the 12-step programme I am a part of.

When you have problems with alcohol and drugs, these tend to mask other issues around relationships: most alcoholics are also codependents, and they certainly attract codependents to them. I read the daily extract from Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go every morning over coffee when I get up.

Beattie writes:

Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency . . . Detachment is not something we do once. It is a daily behaviour in recovery . . . We learn to let go of people we love, people we like and those we don’t particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process. We relinquish our tight hold and the need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves.

She writes a hell of a lot more about this: you should check out her books. But there are certain key strands we can take from the above.

First off, if you have oneitus, or are in an obsessive relationship with some girl, you need to detach, and you need to do so on a daily basis. 

What detaching means is simply relinquishing control. Letting go. Because this is all centred around control. You check your phone every five minutes? In your head you’ve tricked yourself into thinking that ‘if I just check it one more time maybe she’ll message me.’ In a counter-intuitive way you’re attempting to control the relationship.

So-called ‘Soft-nexting’ (when you cut all contact with the girl for four to seven days) which I’ve recommended on this site before and used myself in recent times, is really just another attempt to control. Yes, it’s a more alpha, outcome-independent manner of control, but still. You are hoping that ‘if I do X (stop all contact with her) then she will do Y.’ It works, but girls will know what you’re doing, feel punished and resent you for it.

Detachment is a far more subtle tool. As such it is advanced and somewhat hard to use. With detachment you don’t break contact because you don’t need to—you don’t care enough to have to. What you do instead is simply massively reduce your investment in her. You separate yourself, and your processes from her and her processes.

Again, consider the ‘ideal alpha’ who is sleeping with ten other women. Does he give girls the silent treatment because they do something that displeases him? No. Why would he bother? He lets them do whatever the hell they want. He remains an oak tree. If at some point they want to come over and fuck him then that’s great. If they don’t, then that’s no problem either.

Are there practical steps you can take to detach? Yes. Beattie recommends a few. One is to write. Simply write about the ways in which you are trying to control this girl.

Another is to write down all the things you wouldn’t be doing, and all the things you would be doing, if you weren’t obsessed with her. Then once you have that list, acting accordingly.

You’re doing this stuff in the background. You are making detachment a daily practice. You are getting up in the morning and reminding yourself that now you are detached from this girl. That now you taking responsibility for yourself and your life rather than her. That you have shifted your focus.

What does this mean in practice? Don’t check your phone as much. Don’t be on social media the whole time. Remove yourself—gently—from the little mental games you’ve been playing.

Yes, if she messages you then you can respond. Just don’t invest too much. Send a cheeky emoji or a one-word answer. Don’t be unpleasant or butthurt. Just be that guy with other things on his mind.

As I say, it’s a subtle technique. You are making no attempt to push her out of your orbit (because why would you bother?) but at the same time you are drastically reducing the significance she has in your life. It might sound harsh put like that, but this is healthy.

It’s better for you and for her.

At first you may have to fake it until you make it. That’s absolutely fine. This is a daily practice, remember. You might fuck up. You might send her an effusive message in a weak moment. You might call her when you’re drunk. It doesn’t matter. Stop. Regroup. Pull back. Detach once more.

It is more important to remain broadly on the same path than to worry needlessly about minor slips.

Think again about the ideal alpha. Think about the options that he has. Then recognise that you too have options, even if you can’t see them right now. You have options in your sex life. You have options in your career.

Use tools like writing, meditation and exercise. Work on your business or job. Meet friends. Fill your life up with things other than her.

Most importantly of all, accept her the way that she is. OK, she’s a flakey girl who flirts with other guys and can’t keep her knickers on. So what? That is her stuff, not yours. Her flakiness does not detract from you as a human being one iota. Detach from her. Let her do what she’s going to do. Live your own life instead.

Yes, it’s hard. But the better you are able to do this, the better life (and sex life) you will inevitably come to enjoy.

Draw a line in the sand. On one side, your stuff—your ambitions, your flaws, your glories, your dreams. On the other side, hers. Now, stay on your side of the line.

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About the author


Jon - November 21, 2017

Thank you, this article is without a doubt book material and what I was needing to hear.

The worse part of recovering from oneitus is having weak moments and feeling like crap afterwards. But I guess all you can do is to try again.

    tfadmin - November 21, 2017

    Hey Jon, yes, totally agree. The most important thing, though, is to stick to an overall course of detachment. The odd slip here and there doesn’t matter as long as you maintain the direction of travel.

    Cheers, Troy.

Erik - November 21, 2017

Totally agree with you. No matter how alpha you are, how experienced you are, once you decide to move in a LTR, it is inevitable not to become somehow emotionally attached with that woman. She knows that you like her and even if you have options, once she has the smallest hint you care about her or you invested emotionally more than her in the relationship, even if you have another plates, the process of make you crazy by her begins. It is in nature of woman to do this shit testing in all kind of forms, including orbiters, beta friends, best male friends (in my case she drives me crazy with her indiference and her best male friend who also has a LTR). But you are right, I totally agree with you, it is hard but we have to do it. Even though I am not a player, I enjoy the company of beautiful and quality women. But everytime I go in a LTR I finish fucked up 🙂 Important is not to lose frame and everything that involves this. And I would add also RooshV words 🙂 “There is one thing that, no matter how horny I am, or no matter how lonely I am, I will never give to a woman. There is one thing that I wouldn’t give even if it meant never getting laid again for the rest of my life. There is one thing that is simply not on the bargaining table, no matter how beautiful the girl is, no matter how much of a “once in a lifetime” opportunity the encounter may seem upon first glance. I will never give this to a woman, because I know that if I do, even if it helps me squeeze out this one bang, I will suffer for it in the future. I will adopt the mentality of a slave, fully accommodating to any and all whims of women. I will forget the principles that make me a man, and invite all manner of disrespect and abuse from all females whom I encounter. I will embark on the road of scarcity, a path to weakness and desperation. I will reek the scent of a beggar. I will become an unattractive man in the eyes of all women, even if in the short-term I may see a lucky dose of success. No, I will never give this to a woman, no matter what the stakes are, no matter how dry my dick is.

I will never, ever give a woman my dignity. When a woman is taking advantage of my kindness, when she is taking me for granted, when she thinks that her mere presence is enough for me, I will walk away. It doesn’t matter how close I was to getting her pussy, or how good it was if I was already accessing it, but absolutely no woman can treat me in any other way than I believe I should be treated. No matter where I am in life, no matter who I’m with, dignity will be a part of my spirit, until the very end.”
Cheers , keep the good work going

    tfadmin - November 21, 2017

    Hey Erik, many thanks for your comment. Yes, I agree that, however alpha you may be, it is pretty much inevitable that once you get close to a woman in an LTR situation you will begin to cede frame, she will become aware of this and the power dynamic will change. That is why we must endeavour to practice detachment at all times, however hard it may be.

    Also, what a fantastic quote from Roosh – many thanks for sharing it here.

    Keep in touch man,

Erik - November 21, 2017

many girls just use men as emotional punching bags. Women now days are lazy when it comes to dating and showing affection. They are so focused on what they’re getting out of things rather than how they actually connect. and beta thrist + feminims are worsening things 🙂

    tfadmin - November 21, 2017

    Thanks for the comment Erik. Cheers, Troy

john - November 21, 2017

Great post. I really like your writing and will buy every book you write.

Please stop complaining about Brexit though. That feels like it shouldn’t be in the middle of this content and I for one don’t like it…

    tfadmin - November 21, 2017

    Hey John, many thanks for the comment – perhaps I need to detach from Brexit! Cheers, Troy.

Antonio A - November 21, 2017

This is why cultivating dark triad characteristics is very important.
A narcissistic always put himself above others, including girls. A Machiavellian will devise it so that she’s the one attached to him. A psychopath ( or someone trying to mimic one) does not feel emotions of guilt.
Add Radical Differentiation and girls won’t be able to stop thinking about you

    tfadmin - November 21, 2017

    Hey Antonio – precisely! And learning more about detachment is really helpful in that process. Cheers for commenting, Troy.

Matt - November 22, 2017

Your heading in the right direction with this.
Good stuff man

I agree leave the brexit bullshit out

    tfadmin - November 22, 2017

    Thanks Matt! Troy.

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