You always have to be prepared to walk away. The greatest leverage any man holds in any relationship is his ability to say ‘no more’, and head for the door.
Right now I’m sitting in Düsseldorf Airport waiting for a connecting flight back to London from Zagreb, Croatia.
It’s been a hell of a few days.
It is an unfortunate fact of life that lessons are seldom taught in isolation. Far more likely that one testing circumstance will arise, only to be followed in short order by another.
So it has been for me. After my somewhat ignominious experience in London, I endured another manifestation of feminine misbehaviour, this time at the hands of my Hungarian fuck-buddy Lilliana.
I have to admit that I was a little blindsided here. Those who have followed my writing this year will be aware that I’ve spent a fair bit of time with Lilianna this year, in Berlin and Budapest among other locations.
I am not interested in being monogamous with her, or entering into a traditional boyfriend-girlfriend type situation. However, it was beginning to seem to me that we were becoming something a little more than ‘friends with benefits’. Ever a sucker for female affection, I guess I was enjoying that a little.
But you can’t expect a leopard to change its spots. And however sweet and innocent Lilianna may look on the outside, I have to remind myself that I met her in a fetish club and on our first ‘date’ she related how she’d recently been penetrated with a dildo by a post-op transsexual before blowing me in the toilets at her hostel.
I travelled to Zagreb to attend a fetish / sex party with her. I thought it would be great. We could misbehave together, approach some girls, see if we could get a threesome set up.
But things didn’t go according to plan.
Lilianna’ ex-boyfriend is a Spanish guy called Rafa. Because Rafa treated her like crap for the duration of their 4 year ‘relationship’, she is still in love with him, or at least obsessed with him.
Now that is nothing to me. Except that Rafa was also attending the Zagreb party.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said. ‘He won’t want to hang out with me. He’ll be chasing every other girl in the place.’
In fact, Rafa spent most of the evening with us, along with another girl, a friend of his.
(By the way, the situation is complicated as Rafa and Liliana work together for his company, so there is naturally ongoing contact between them anyway).
I wasn’t particularly averse to Rafa being around. He was a pleasant enough guy and after all, I am not Lillianna’s boyfriend, so there is no reason for me to be jealous or pissy about it.
What did annoy me was the way that she seemed to defer to him on everything. That for her he was clearly still her ‘alpha’. That I was witnessing an alpha widow haunting her former lover. And that she said to me she was powerless not to do whatever he asked of her.
To be honest, I shouldn’t have gone to the damn event in the first place knowing he was going to be present. Next time I won’t. But I was optimistic we’d have a good time.
And for most of the night it was ok. We danced with Rafa and his other girl, joking around and having a laugh. I even opened a few hotties on his behalf, pulling them into our group so he’d have some talent to hit on.
The difficulty came at around 5am. I was exhausted. Lilianna was also tired and her feet were hurting badly from the high-heeled shoes she was wearing.
‘Let’s go back to the hotel.’ I said.
She nodded, and went to say goodbye to Rafa, who by now had hooked up with some random Croat girl.
‘No,’ he said. ‘You too stay then come back with us. We can all have a session together.’
It was now that I had to put my foot down. I was tired. I’d found the dynamic throughout the night not to my liking. And I had no desire to go back to Rafa’s hotel room to watch him fuck Lillianna.
‘Tell him no,’ I said to her. ‘Tell him we’re going.’
‘I don’t know. I’m confused about how I feel right now,’ she said.
I should mention at this point that she and Rafa had shared an ecstasy tablet (I don’t take drugs so I’d abstained). She’d also been drinking spirits pretty liberally. I’ve been in situations with girls in such a state before. At best it’s as annoying as fuck. This situation was shaping up to be volatile.
‘I came to Zagreb to see you,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to go back to a hotel to watch you getting fucked by Rafa. And what am I going to get out of it? Those other girls he’s with aren’t attractive. Do what you want next week when I’m not around but tonight we’re not going back with him.’
‘But don’t you understand? I loved him for nearly five years,’ she sobbed. ‘I can’t refuse him anything.’
Jesus-fucking-Christ. What kind of bad soap opera had I walked into?
‘Well in that case you should stay,’ I said. I grabbed her face, pulled her towards me, kissed her on the lips and walked out.
I went to the cloakroom, grabbed my coat and called an Uber. Then I went onto Booking.com to look at hotels. Fortunately there was availability, and the prices weren’t bad either.
In that situation I would have paid anything to get away from her. I even checked out flights back to London, but from a cursory search on Skyscanner it seemed that a hotel was the more economical option.
The Uber sped back to our hotel. I would collect my stuff then take another taxi to some alternative place. Even if I had to wait hours for an available room. Once there I would block Lillianna on all channels. She would be out of my life for good.
A few moments later, though, she popped up on Facebook Messenger:
Took a taxi now. Hopefully there in a bit.
Again, I was blindsided. I hadn’t been expecting her to follow me. My decision to walk away had been real, motivated by a refusal to accept her behaviour. It hadn’t been a ploy.
Still, her message softened me. The fact was she had chosen me over Rafa. She had listened and she’d made a decision that favoured me.
OK, I thought. It’s late and I’m fucking tired. I’ll get into bed and see what happens. I can always leave in a few hours when it gets light if she’s unrepentant.
A while later she arrived, laid down beside me, held onto me and cried herself to sleep.
In the morning we had sex. I sat on a low stool while she sat before me, naked, sucking my cock. She was doing everything she could to please me. Afterwards we went for a shower together. She washed my whole body for me, including my feet.
Unintentionally, my walkout had done its work. All of a sudden—-presumably for fear of losing me—she had become compliant, submissive and affectionate. No more mention was made of Rafa. I was magnanimous and didn’t press her on what had happened.
There are many lessons to be drawn from this tale, but perhaps the most important is that you must have a willingness to walk away if a situation is not to your liking, regardless of how attached you are to the girl or how hot she is.
You also have to mean it, with every fibre of your being. There is nothing to be gained by faking in the hope of triggering a reaction. You have to be prepared never to see or speak to her ever again.
Was I right to do what I did? Was I unreasonable? After all, I have no claim on what Lillianna does sexually—we have no agreement on monogamy between us.
I think that the point is moot. Whether right or wrong my feeling was that she was submitting to another man right in front of me. That he was the alpha, and that I was to be relegated to beta status. That is something I could not countence under and circumstances. It was supremely disrespectful to me and I told her so. And if I’d have gone along with the charade how could she possibily have respected me afterwards? Or me myself?
Call it pride and ego if you will, but I would rather not have gotten laid for a year than submitted under such circumstances.
Ironically, it was this attitude which readdressed the power balance and brought Lillianna running back to me.
What I do with her going forward is another matter. I can keep her at arms’ length as a fuck buddy but that night opened my eyes (as if they really still needed it).
The sexual marketplace can be very cruel and even those who seem nice and caring are ultimately out for themselves. It is only by showing the willingness to walk away as a final sanction that we retain the wherewithall to protect ourselves.